昵称 lollipop 的由来

lollipop 这个昵称，或者说是网名，我是从2016年开始用起的。源头是一篇高中英语完型填空的文章。这篇文章的内容我附在最后，作者从儿时起就好奇舔多少下能吃到 Tootsie Pop 中心为引子，讲高中时将竞选模拟联合国主席类比此事，看到他人一两次成功，自己屡战屡败，三次才能上岸，直至 11 年后访问官网才明白，能到 “中心” 取决于自己选择舔多少下，而非模仿他人。

虽然是一篇考试用的文章，但是它依然很中我意。你知道的，那时候的一群中二少年，会对英文的网名有特别的喜欢，那是一种潮流。就像再往前，大家喜欢用特别复杂的字写一句很“花泽类”的句子。但是，我对这个单词的喜欢也有一些特别的理由。一方面，我在我的高中那帮同学里确实不算聪明，大家都没把我当作聪明人来看（当然我自己也不会）。但是我觉得我有我的特别，我觉得我也不用循规蹈矩，和他们一样走一条循规蹈矩却又泥泞的路，我想说的是高考的普招。另一方面，棒棒糖又足够贴合我的性格，喜欢傻乐又喜欢逗别人开心，像糖一样甜；同时又有一些坚韧，一些果断，一些乐观。

我应该是一个坚定的唯物主义者，但是世上确实有太多解释不了的巧合。17年高考，我确实和大家走了一条不一样的道。我的天赋点全点在了那两门不算分的小科目。2017年是江苏省综评录取的第一年，综评的规则将不算分的物理和化学，以很大比例算进了折算成绩。我成了第一批吃螃蟹的人，而且是极大的获利者，比普招分数线低了17分进了东大。而又后来，18年不知为何，坚定地从东大退学，之后是高考又高考。总共三次高考的经历，又是切合了当时文章里“3”这个数字。

从这段时期来看，我确实如同棒棒糖一样，是有着一层硬壳的。从截止当下的人生的这段最大低谷中走了出来，如今回过头来，依然可以笑着面对这段经历。和这些比我小的同学们一块备考时，我还是经常拿自己开涮，尤其是考的差的时候，嘴里嚷嚷着我要考清华之类的疯癫语言，有种范进中举后的既视感（虽然还没中举），尽管是言不由衷。

其实，世上的绝大多数人都一样，有过夜不能寐，躲在被窝里悄悄呜咽的经历。然而却要在人前，装的毫不在乎，极其坚强的样子。尤其对于男孩儿/男人，尤其是对我而言，有的时候坚强和独立，并不是自己本来的样子。是社会的凝视，或者说，是别人的眼光让“我”觉得“我”应当如此。
“硬壳”有的时候只是“流心”的伪装，至少我觉得我是这样。心情需要是“泄洪口”的，但找不到好倾诉的对象是常有的事情。不想让父母担心；不想让“哥们”觉得自己软弱，或者称为他们的谈资……不想炸毁的堤坝，却是洪水泛滥的推手。

突然想写这些内容，是因为这篇文章，突然又进入了我的视线。也是出于我对过去这几年，来到南大的每一个脚步的总结和对未来展望。

在南大的日子，其实没有做什么决策。至今为止，每一个步子，都没有过自己的选择。是时间在我背后推着我往前走的，每一步都是理所当然，而且是唯一的解。当”考虑未来“这个话题突然摆到我的面前时，我是有些懵逼的。去哪里工作？做什么工作？犹豫，纠结和停滞不前成了最近生活的主旋律。有时候，回过头去，回看自己走到现在的路，会考虑，在某一个时间点，果断地做出一些行动，自己手上的资源会不会更多一些，留给自己选择的机会会不会更多一些。

棒棒糖在慢慢融化，我好像不那么像过去的自己，不能像lollipop一样，虽然胆怯，但是却能勇敢冲入大雨之中。

How many licks does it take to get the center of a Tootsie Pop?

The first time I heard this in the Tootsie Pop commercial, I was five years old. I immediately started licking and counting. After about two hundred licks or so, I stopped. The temptation of the chewy center had proven to be too great, and I bit my way through the hard shell to the very center. Besides, I already knew how many licks it took to get to the center–three. That’s how many licks it took the owl in the commercial to the center, so that, to me, was the right answer.

In high school. I held to the Tootsie Pop philosophy. To me, the answer was still always three licks.

In my freshman year. I joined the Model United Nations program in my school. The Chair position had become the center of the Tootsie Pop and my owls had become various other students. The first so-called “owl” was Eric who had luckily landed the prestigious Chair Position. So, I decided, if Eric reached the center in only one lick, that’s how many licks it should take me. I went to the tryouts with a view to obtaining the position but failed.

At the end of my sophomore year, a new owl named Iris had also achieved the chair position after trying twice. I began working hard again. But then again, I did not make success of it.

Now, slightly frustrated after going through two owls, I found a new ow, Evan. It had taken him three licks to get to the “center”. Three was all I could afford. It was widely known that senior year was the last year to become Chair I thought about quitting the program, but on second thoughts, I decided to continue.

Eleven years later, I visited the official Tootsie Pop website to find the real answer to the question that had troubled me my entire high school life. I finally understood. However many licks it takes to get to the center of the Tootsie Pop depends on however many licks I choose to take – not how many the other owls take.